idontgiveadamn.org

by yourkungfusnogood

Driving slow in the left hand lane: I thought that inconsiderate bullshit had gone the way of the mullet, or mesh tank tops:  haven’t we eradicated all of those with a good dose of public education and/or ridicule by now?  How can anyone short of your grandmother not know that doing 45 in the fast lane on the interstate is the hallmark of the ultimate self-absorbed asswipe? Yet I see people doing it all the time, usually when I’m right behind them and have ruptured a spleen, or am late for a tryst with my Sudanese mistress, or the movie starts in 5 goddamn minutes.

Much of the time, you wind up behind some beat-up piece of shit Dodge Neon with a bumper sticker that reads “In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned.” You can almost forgive people like that for clogging up our precious thoroughfares. Obviously, anyone who wants to let you know that “Caution! Non-exposure to the Son will Cause Burning” is obviously deluded and could possibly be downright insane.  I’m sure there’s a Bible verse somewhere that defends driving only in the left hand lane, and that it’s somehow holy to be persecuted (honked at) by the motorists (non-believers) behind you.

How about the verse from Judges where Samson says: “With the jawbone of an ass, i killed a thousand men.”  It doesn’t have shit to do with being an inconsiderate driver, but i think we all need a little refresher on what a bad motherfucker Samson was.  He picked up a donkey jaw and slew an assload of Philistines with it.  Sweet.  Man was there ever a race of people more slain, smited, scattered, smothered, and chunked than those poor fucking Philistines?  Sweet Jesus!

And now for the moral lesson of this little epistle.  Hogging the left hand lane is not just inconsiderate, it’s also dangerous. Not for the person doing the hogging mind you.  That would be cosmic justice, and that little commodity is meted out far too infrequently on those who truly deserve it.

No, the danger is reserved for all the other drivers who have to haul ass in the slow lane to go around our Rapturous friend in the passing lane.  That in itself isn’t even that bad…. until you suddenly find yourself racing into traffic that is merging directly into your lane from a side street or an on-ramp.  Then, while you’re making the millisecond decision to either slam on the brakes to let merging traffic in, or to floor the gas and pray to the Spaghetti Monster of Rigel IV that your 1983 Toyota Tercel has enough horsepower to outrace the wall of automotive metal that is moving into the space you are currently occupying,  the sonofabitch who caused the whole dilemma putters blissfully along, unaware of anything except the notion that they are the CENTER OF THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE.

MOVE THE FUCK OVER, YOU JIZZ GUZZLING ANAL WART OF A HUMAN BEING!!  And please use your blinker.

by yourkungfusnogood

Hang on…let me make sure I have this right.  To become the most powerful being on the planet, all I have to do is be the first vampire…and then bite someone?  Then, through the power of the linear differential equation (better known to you and me as a Pyramid scheme) every subsequent person who gets bitten makes me more powerful? Every person “on the airplane” after me has to stuff a live panda up their ass if I command it?  Or jackoff  Bernard Madoff with their feet?  Or dip their testicles into hot lava?

FUCKIN SIGN ME UP!!

What a rip-off.  When you break it down, Vampirism is nothing but a cheap Ponzi scheme, it’s just that there’s no way off the airplane before it crashes. I’m sick of vampires.  More specifically, I’m sick of all the fantasy-prone losers who love vampires, wish they were vampires, and keep one-upping the vampire mythos to the point where it’s as complicated as the He Man Woman Haters Club secret handshake. You’re not Anne Rice. You’re a purchasing agent for an office supply company with a penchant for ugly velvet dresses and smelly Eastern Bloc men. And we all make fun of the Dracula-themed screensavers you have on your workstation.

It used to be that all a vampire wanted to do was bite you on the neck and suck your blood. You became a vampire automatically at that point. Well that’s all changed. When a modern day vampire bites you, they have to want you to become a vampire, otherwise you’re just a snack, like a human Cheezit. And there are all these complicated rules about when and how you can become one of their undead minions. “To turn you into a vampire, I must be wearing wolfsbane undergarments, give you a lenghty ‘rules of the undead’ speech, and spit twice in the direction of Transylvania. And it must be Wednesday.”

Vampires today are all about the nookie. They want to drape their onionskin-like ballbags all over the faces of our mortal women. And due to the average vampire’s ability to magically charm humans, our women seem to be begging for vampire cock.  Ummm…i have a question. Wouldn’t banging a vampire be like someone violating you with a cucumber right out of the crisper drawer?  Or working your mommy parts over with a bomb pop?

I don’t understand the appeal. But then, I sleep under blankets in the summertime, so call me unromantic.

by no_bones

My wife and I had a major spat yesterday. She’s always nagging me about the way I load the dishwasher, about my unorthodox placement of bowls in the bottom rack and the way I shoehorn glasses into the space clearly designed for plates. On this particular day, I’d reached my limit. Incensed, I stormed out of the house and sped off across town on my Kawasaki Ninja. Undaunted, she chased me down in her convertible Carmengia, running red lights and nearly killing innocent motorists in her effort to catch me.  As fate would have it, this all took place mere hours before the National Dishwasher Loading Championships in Rinse, Iowa. I was a dark horse to win the cup that year, though the solid money was on Val “Heavy Soil” Daniels, the perennial champion. My mood was dark as I noisily idled my motorcycle up to the curb.

Me:  Jesus Christ, and you think I’m reckless? When i load, I’ll have you know that our crockery and silverware come first!
Wife: Well, I am going to finish my sentence, Lieutenant (one of her many pet names for me, along with “Sugarlips” and “Pussface”).  My evaluation of your dishwasher loading was right on.
Me: Is that right?
Wife: That is right, but I held something back. I see real genius in your dishwasher loading, Pussface, but I can’t say that back there. I’m afraid that everyone would see right through me, and i just don’t want them to know that I think your lower rack technique is unrivaled and that I’ve fallen for it. Here’s some Cascade with spot and film protection. Now go win that championship!