The Skeptic’s A to Z Guide of Stuff That Doesn’t Work: ‘A’ is for Acupuncture.
by yourkungfusnogood
Every acupuncture believer I’ve ever known, and there have been a few, are either old pothead burnouts, part-time hair stylists, or New Age suckers who fall for every mystical fad that comes their way. In one particular case, the person happened to be all three… plus she had a shitload of cats. Uggghhhh. Bong water and cat piss. How’d you like to spend a couple of nights on her carpet? (And no, that’s not a vagina euphemism.)
One thing about acupuncture that mystifies me more than any other aspect is its age. It’s been around for thousands of years. You’d think the verdict that ACUPUNCTURE DOESN’T DO JACK SHIT would’ve come in a few centuries back. Actually, let me re-phrase that. Acupuncture does do something. I mean, you’re sticking needles into your skin for fuck’s sake. It’s going to produce some sort of physiological effect. Unfortunately, studies show that if you have back pain, repeatedly shoving a flaming whiffle-ball bat full of demented crickets into your butt will be just as effective as acupuncture. What I should’ve said was “ACUPUNCTURE IS NOT GOING TO CURE YOUR BACK ACHE, DROP YOUR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, MAKE YOU STOP SMOKING, OR UNCLOG YOUR CLOGGED UP BOWELS.”
There. Is that better?
My guess is that many acupuncture proponents are falling victim to the Appeal to Antiquity logical fallacy, that just because something is old, that makes it true or somehow better than its newer counterpart (ie Western Medicine). They have obviously never met my grandfather, a cranky old dickhead who thinks America’s greatest crime was giving women the right to have driver’s licenses.
Central to the practice of acupuncture is the belief that the human body has well-defined meridians, or energy pathways, running through it. Meridians carry Chi, which as I’m sure everyone knows by now, is the mystical energy that allows kung fu masters to kill people with one punch, catch arrows in mid-flight, jump over buildings, and talk in English while their lips are moving in Chinese. Think “The Force” from Star Wars without all the dark side/light side baggage. Anyway, by inserting needles into a person’s meridians and manipulating the flow of Chi, there are supposedly all sorts of maladies that can be relieved or eliminated. Mostly, it’s used for pain relief, but across the spectrum it’s used to treat everything this side of ugliness.
The bottom line on acupuncture is that there is no scientific proof of chi, or proof of meridians, and it will not work to get rid of that huge goiter that has kept you single and a virgin for the last 40 years, so don’t ask. The fucking needles don’t even have to be inserted in the skin, much less in the proper meridian, just as long as the patient thinks they are being punctured! Try this study for example, where researchers used toothpicks to prick the skin instead of inserting needles. The result: the toothpicks were as effective as real acupuncture. Hello… whiffle-ball bat?
Okay, that’s enough for me. I’m off to my acupuncture session. My insurance covers it, so why the hell not? Plus, I have a huge boner for the super-mellow new age world music they play in their office.
