idontgiveadamn.org

by no_bones

I was lounging around in my La-Zed-Boy (it’s a Canadian model) recliner last night when it occurred to me that I had used the word douchebag or one of its variants (douche, d-bag, motherfucking douchebag) about 15 times over the course of the day. It also occurred to me that the quickest way to kill the coolness of anything, especially a slang term, is to have it adopted and overused by the masses.

The masses lick balls.

Consider the graveyard of insults past:  Dickless.  Ass monkey. Smegma breath.  All classics from a bygone era, dead before their time.

Here on the cusp of 2010, it’s important that we adopt a new “go-to” insult.  Douchebag will be difficult to replace because it’s both a noun, and something you can buy at the grocery.  Plus, if we follow that line of thinking moving forward, i.e.  “Man, that guy is a real pantyliner,”  or  “Wow, she’s acting like such a sanitary napkin”  you can see that we end up with some pretty shitty put-downs.

I’m open to suggestions.  Should we go strictly with a body part i.e. “Dude, you’re being a total Cowper’s Gland right now,” or “Could you be a bigger vulva?”  Perhaps we should take a more elaborate compound approach with insults like Anus Renter, Jizz Vat, or Nut Gobbler?

The possibilities are endless!  And so is my excitement!

We’re going to miss you in ‘10, douchebag.  You’re in a class all by yourself,  but with a little perseverance and creativity we’ll be calling people wombat molesters, udder sniffers or hiney miners in no time!

by yourkungfusnogood

I just heard a story on the news about about a kid who was afflicted with both Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD). Between daydreaming in class and barfing up stomach acid, he was apparently having a tough time in school.

Remember the good old days when that kid was just a spaz with heartburn?

What is happening to us as a culture? Why are so many diseases springing up out of thin air?  Is there bailout money given to people with new acronym illnesses?  Or have we just become a complete nation of hypochondriac pussies with our Restless Legs, Irritable Bowels, Disgruntled Kneecaps and Psychotic Taints (what a great fucking band name!) ?

Just point my infirm lips in the direction of the  Gubmint Teat and I’ll suck that mother effer dry.  I’m the perfect candidate to receive acronym illness funds. Sickness is all around me all the time.  I personally suffer from half a dozen maladies as I type this.  Just this morning in bed I contracted Diminishing Flaccidness Syndrome (DFS), Insuppresable Scalp Emancipation (ISE) and a severe case of Decrepit Colon Condition (DCC).  My girlfriend looked at me and said, “Get that boner away from me, get in the shower and scrub that awful dandruff and your itchy asshole. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention…I’m banging your Dad and we’re moving to Des Moines.  Have a nice life. ”

Screw her.  It’s because of her that my DFS has mutated into a super-serious case of SOE.  For the uninitiated, SOE is short for Semen Overload Event; better known by its sinister nom de plume as ‘Blue Balls.‘

All my problems sound pretty ridiculous, don’t they?  Ha! So did Attention Deficit Disorder in 1950. Do you think the pioneers bitched about their stupid little health problems?  It’s hard to complain that a bumpy Conestoga wagon ride is really playing havoc on your regularity when a Sioux warrior is trying to rip your scalp off and tie your family to an anthill.

By the time any of my diseases actually hit the public lexicon, I hope I’m suffering from a MLEA – Maximum Life Expectancy Attainment.

Yes, that means dead.

by yourkungfusnogood

Every acupuncture believer I’ve ever known, and there have been a few, are either old pothead burnouts, part-time hair stylists, or New Age suckers who fall for every mystical fad that comes their way.  In one particular case, the person happened to be all three… plus she had a shitload of cats.  Uggghhhh.  Bong water and cat piss. How’d you like to spend a couple of nights on her carpet? (And no, that’s not a vagina euphemism.)

One thing about acupuncture that mystifies me more than any other aspect is its age.  It’s been around for thousands of years.  You’d think the verdict that ACUPUNCTURE DOESN’T DO JACK SHIT would’ve come in a few centuries back.  Actually, let me re-phrase that. Acupuncture does do something. I mean, you’re sticking needles into your skin for fuck’s sake.  It’s going to produce some sort of physiological effect.  Unfortunately, studies show that if you have back pain, repeatedly shoving a flaming whiffle-ball bat full of demented crickets into your butt will be just as effective as acupuncture. What I should’ve said was “ACUPUNCTURE IS NOT GOING TO CURE YOUR BACK ACHE, DROP YOUR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, MAKE YOU STOP SMOKING, OR UNCLOG YOUR CLOGGED UP BOWELS.”

There.  Is that better?

My guess is that many acupuncture proponents are falling victim to the Appeal to Antiquity logical fallacy, that just because something is old, that makes it true or somehow better than its newer counterpart (ie Western Medicine).  They have obviously never met my grandfather, a cranky old dickhead who thinks America’s greatest crime was giving women the right to have driver’s licenses.

Central to the practice of acupuncture is the belief that the human body has well-defined meridians, or energy pathways, running through it.  Meridians carry Chi, which as I’m sure everyone knows by now, is the mystical energy that allows kung fu masters to kill people with one punch, catch arrows in mid-flight, jump over buildings, and talk in English while their lips are moving in Chinese.  Think “The Force” from Star Wars without all the dark side/light side baggage.  Anyway, by inserting needles into a person’s meridians and manipulating the flow of Chi, there are supposedly all sorts of maladies that can be relieved or eliminated. Mostly, it’s used for pain relief, but across the spectrum it’s used to treat everything this side of ugliness.

The bottom line on acupuncture is that there is no scientific proof of chi, or proof of meridians, and it will not work to get rid of that huge goiter that has kept you single and a virgin for the last 40 years, so don’t ask.  The fucking needles don’t even have to be inserted in the skin, much less in the proper meridian, just as long as the patient thinks they are being punctured!  Try this study for example, where researchers used toothpicks to prick the skin instead of inserting needles.  The result: the toothpicks were as effective as real acupuncture. Hello… whiffle-ball bat?

Okay, that’s enough for me. I’m off to my acupuncture session.  My insurance covers it, so why the hell not?  Plus, I have a huge boner for the super-mellow new age world music they play in their office.