by Reg Danby, Exercise Guru

I’ve had a burning question on my mind for months now, and I’m sure it’s been on yours too. Namely, how is it that homeless people always look so darn fit?  Besides the obvious calorie deficiency, how do they stay so slim and trim?

Then the answer hit me like 10 gallons of Muscatel!  A brutal life on the streets is a cardio-lovers dream! There’s nothing like the stringy build of a drifter for showing off a six pack.  And I’m not talking about Schlitz!

With the global recession in full swing, more and more people will be facing the risk of eviction, foreclosure, and homelessness. Not having a place to live is no reason to abandon your exercise regimen and get out of shape!  Using run-of-the-mill indigents as role models, I’ve developed the Homeless Workout Routine.  Now you too may take advantage of the well-guarded exercise secrets of society’s “forgotten fit.”  It’s inexpensive, fun, effective and you’ll have your dream body in no time!

Just follow these six easy steps and you’ll be well on your way to a whole new you!

1. Warm Up: Wake up as early as possible.  If you are suffering from DT’s, use it to your advantage!  Fighting off  imaginary wildcats and monsters will really get your blood pumping as you make your way to your favorite intersection to panhandle for change and low-fat snacks.  When you get an offering from a motorist, run, don’t walk, to the car window.  Get that heart rate going early and keep it up!

2. CardBoard sign lifts: Hold a 2×2 cardboard sign at arm’s length, raising it repeatedly from the waist in sets of 10. To keep it fun, scrawl a nearly-illegible message on the cardboard in black crayon. The message doesn’t really matter, it could be anything from “Homeless, Please Give” to “For a quarter I will tell you how I got these buns of steel!” The sign verbage is of secondary importance. Your main task is to maintain good form during the sign lifts! Rest between sets by sitting on the ground with your head in your hands looking dejected. It’s the best way to speed muscle recovery!

3. Cigarette Butt Squats: While wandering aimlessly around town between shelters, look at the ground for half-smoked cigarette butts to finish off. When you find one, don’t pick it up the lazy way by bending at the waist. Use your legs to pick that butt up! Bend at the knees and use a full range of motion. Your reward at the end of your set will be the delicious taste of tar, nicotine, and a legitimate member of society’s dried up saliva!

4. The Bum Rush: The streets are a tough and gritty place, and can be extremely cruel to those who are not in shape. In this environment, the ability to defend oneself is paramount. That’s why the Bum Rush is a vital part of any angry loner’s exercise regimen. The Bum Rush involves targeting a fellow homeless citizen, preferably someone who has something you want (i.e. a bag of beer cans, a hubcap, or a pair of pants without urine stains), and randomly beating them senseless. You’ll be surprised at how many calories you’ll burn during this phase of the workout. Remember, it’s free form exercise so concentrate on your breathing and execution! Taking the other person’s belongings is optional, but probably a good idea for the liquid requisition you’ll need later to hydrate yourself and your liver.

5. Shopping cart sprints: Pushing a shopping cart around is great exercise, but your cardio will plateau if you don’t alter your routine periodically. Every so often, talk loudly to yourself and run as fast as you can while pushing the cart in front of you. Run like someone left a full bottle of Two Buck Chuck on the curb and a street sweeping truck is steaming toward it at full speed! When your muscles are pushed to exhaustion, stop and curse loudly at your imaginary exercise buddy. Fist-shaking and other violent gestures are a good way to keep your pulse rate up while scaring off do-gooders and other pesky “homed” people.

6. Cool down: Go to sleep under a bridge or on a public bench.

Nothing to it! Follow this simple plan and you too can have the chiseled body that could once only be acquired by drifting and scavenging through dumpsters.

Now get out there and hit it, you freaking hobos!

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