by Zebediah Ballsop

New Moon is the most angst-ridden, humorless, overacted and underwritten teenage suckfest I’ve seen in a long time. This movie makes Sylvia Plath look like  Nipsey Russell.  It makes Fried Green Tomatoes look like Lone Wolf McQuade.  It makes me want to listen to Dashboard Confessional and chop off my cock.

Kristen Stewart (who plays main character Bella) is  the female acting equivalent of Hugh Grant. She blinks and stammers with maximum emotional agony in every scene, lovingly pawing at the permanently pale, lipsticked and fish-puckered face of her vampire boyfriend Edward  (easily the most effete and faggoty undead character in movie history) one moment, and barely staving off suicidal depression the next.  I’ve never rooted for a razor blade more in my whole life.

Teenagers suck ass.  They think the whole universe revolves around their stupid little emo dramas.  And that’s all this movie is:  teenage drama to the Nth degree with a side of irrelevant supernatural bullshit thrown in.  Should I become a vampire? Should I not?  Ohmygod! I am like, soooooo, unsure!

Bella is such a mental and emotional basket case, who the fuck would want her whiny ass?  It certainly wouldn’t be a vampire with  80 plus years of bedding high school girls under his belt.  I mean, if you were perpetually 17, the only reason to be in high school would be to tear up as much vapid cheerleader ass as possible, not to tie yourself down to an emotional cripple like Bella.

I don’t know why I’m even bothering to question the whole idiotic premise… in reality, as soon as that Indian kid took his shirt off, it would’ve been off to the bestiality races for Bella, and this self-indulgent film would’ve been over in a doggy-style induced cloud of wolf fur.

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