by yourkungfusnogood

I just heard a story on the news about about a kid who was afflicted with both Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD). Between daydreaming in class and barfing up stomach acid, he was apparently having a tough time in school.

Remember the good old days when that kid was just a spaz with heartburn?

What is happening to us as a culture? Why are so many diseases springing up out of thin air?  Is there bailout money given to people with new acronym illnesses?  Or have we just become a complete nation of hypochondriac pussies with our Restless Legs, Irritable Bowels, Disgruntled Kneecaps and Psychotic Taints (what a great fucking band name!) ?

Just point my infirm lips in the direction of the  Gubmint Teat and I’ll suck that mother effer dry.  I’m the perfect candidate to receive acronym illness funds. Sickness is all around me all the time.  I personally suffer from half a dozen maladies as I type this.  Just this morning in bed I contracted Diminishing Flaccidness Syndrome (DFS), Insuppresable Scalp Emancipation (ISE) and a severe case of Decrepit Colon Condition (DCC).  My girlfriend looked at me and said, “Get that boner away from me, get in the shower and scrub that awful dandruff and your itchy asshole. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention…I’m banging your Dad and we’re moving to Des Moines.  Have a nice life. ”

Screw her.  It’s because of her that my DFS has mutated into a super-serious case of SOE.  For the uninitiated, SOE is short for Semen Overload Event; better known by its sinister nom de plume as ‘Blue Balls.‘

All my problems sound pretty ridiculous, don’t they?  Ha! So did Attention Deficit Disorder in 1950. Do you think the pioneers bitched about their stupid little health problems?  It’s hard to complain that a bumpy Conestoga wagon ride is really playing havoc on your regularity when a Sioux warrior is trying to rip your scalp off and tie your family to an anthill.

By the time any of my diseases actually hit the public lexicon, I hope I’m suffering from a MLEA – Maximum Life Expectancy Attainment.

Yes, that means dead.

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