by yourkungfusnogood

Driving slow in the left hand lane: I thought that inconsiderate bullshit had gone the way of the mullet, or mesh tank tops:  haven’t we eradicated all of those with a good dose of public education and/or ridicule by now?  How can anyone short of your grandmother not know that doing 45 in the fast lane on the interstate is the hallmark of the ultimate self-absorbed asswipe? Yet I see people doing it all the time, usually when I’m right behind them and have ruptured a spleen, or am late for a tryst with my Sudanese mistress, or the movie starts in 5 goddamn minutes.

Much of the time, you wind up behind some beat-up piece of shit Dodge Neon with a bumper sticker that reads “In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned.” You can almost forgive people like that for clogging up our precious thoroughfares. Obviously, anyone who wants to let you know that “Caution! Non-exposure to the Son will Cause Burning” is obviously deluded and could possibly be downright insane.  I’m sure there’s a Bible verse somewhere that defends driving only in the left hand lane, and that it’s somehow holy to be persecuted (honked at) by the motorists (non-believers) behind you.

How about the verse from Judges where Samson says: “With the jawbone of an ass, i killed a thousand men.”  It doesn’t have shit to do with being an inconsiderate driver, but i think we all need a little refresher on what a bad motherfucker Samson was.  He picked up a donkey jaw and slew an assload of Philistines with it.  Sweet.  Man was there ever a race of people more slain, smited, scattered, smothered, and chunked than those poor fucking Philistines?  Sweet Jesus!

And now for the moral lesson of this little epistle.  Hogging the left hand lane is not just inconsiderate, it’s also dangerous. Not for the person doing the hogging mind you.  That would be cosmic justice, and that little commodity is meted out far too infrequently on those who truly deserve it.

No, the danger is reserved for all the other drivers who have to haul ass in the slow lane to go around our Rapturous friend in the passing lane.  That in itself isn’t even that bad…. until you suddenly find yourself racing into traffic that is merging directly into your lane from a side street or an on-ramp.  Then, while you’re making the millisecond decision to either slam on the brakes to let merging traffic in, or to floor the gas and pray to the Spaghetti Monster of Rigel IV that your 1983 Toyota Tercel has enough horsepower to outrace the wall of automotive metal that is moving into the space you are currently occupying,  the sonofabitch who caused the whole dilemma putters blissfully along, unaware of anything except the notion that they are the CENTER OF THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE.

MOVE THE FUCK OVER, YOU JIZZ GUZZLING ANAL WART OF A HUMAN BEING!!  And please use your blinker.

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