by yourkungfusnogood

Hang on…let me make sure I have this right.  To become the most powerful being on the planet, all I have to do is be the first vampire…and then bite someone?  Then, through the power of the linear differential equation (better known to you and me as a Pyramid scheme) every subsequent person who gets bitten makes me more powerful? Every person “on the airplane” after me has to stuff a live panda up their ass if I command it?  Or jackoff  Bernard Madoff with their feet?  Or dip their testicles into hot lava?

FUCKIN SIGN ME UP!!

What a rip-off.  When you break it down, Vampirism is nothing but a cheap Ponzi scheme, it’s just that there’s no way off the airplane before it crashes. I’m sick of vampires.  More specifically, I’m sick of all the fantasy-prone losers who love vampires, wish they were vampires, and keep one-upping the vampire mythos to the point where it’s as complicated as the He Man Woman Haters Club secret handshake. You’re not Anne Rice. You’re a purchasing agent for an office supply company with a penchant for ugly velvet dresses and smelly Eastern Bloc men. And we all make fun of the Dracula-themed screensavers you have on your workstation.

It used to be that all a vampire wanted to do was bite you on the neck and suck your blood. You became a vampire automatically at that point. Well that’s all changed. When a modern day vampire bites you, they have to want you to become a vampire, otherwise you’re just a snack, like a human Cheezit. And there are all these complicated rules about when and how you can become one of their undead minions. “To turn you into a vampire, I must be wearing wolfsbane undergarments, give you a lenghty ‘rules of the undead’ speech, and spit twice in the direction of Transylvania. And it must be Wednesday.”

Vampires today are all about the nookie. They want to drape their onionskin-like ballbags all over the faces of our mortal women. And due to the average vampire’s ability to magically charm humans, our women seem to be begging for vampire cock.  Ummm…i have a question. Wouldn’t banging a vampire be like someone violating you with a cucumber right out of the crisper drawer?  Or working your mommy parts over with a bomb pop?

I don’t understand the appeal. But then, I sleep under blankets in the summertime, so call me unromantic.

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